


How To Date Your Asexual

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Acephobia, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Bucky Barnes, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky finds said blog, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internalized Acephobia, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony has a blog, Tony's guide to jerkin off at the end lmao, and it's as strong as ever, but they get resolved, communication issues, that's the plot, the asexual propaganda is back yall, there are links!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 17:02:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9247139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: In which Tony has a blog dedicated to talking about asexual issues, his own funny stories, and his lovely partner Bucky- who finds said blog.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for some acephobia, some referenced and implied abuse, trust issues, and a little bit of consent issues but not with the pairing, and a mention of underage sex at the end.

In the beginning it started as sort of a way to vent his feelings, but somehow Tony’s blog about dating asexuals got popular. Now, against all odds, he consistently gave dating advice to people either dating asexuals or looking to date asexuals. It was almost funny because he was hilariously bad at the relationship thing but hey, he’d take it. Besides, it was a useful way to explore his feelings without necessarily bugging Bucky about it and making him uncomfortable. Of all the things he’s had to learn and relearn and unlearn it was finding a way to discuss the ‘asexual issue’ as he’s dubbed it without freaking Bucky out.

Tony, under normal circumstances, was pretty fine with never talking about feelings ever but he also had a habit of wanting to learn new things about any new concept he came into contact with. That meant he only had about five million questions for Bucky and Bucky… wasn’t much willing to answer them. It took awhile but Tony eventually learned that Bucky wasn’t willing to answer his questions because he wasn’t willing to be told he was wrong for existing differently. Tony didn’t have any desire to tell Bucky he was wrong for existing though, he just wanted to know how asexuality worked because he couldn’t really imagine a world without sexual attraction or a sex drive. Eventually Bucky thawed enough to answer Tony’s questions and yeah, sometimes he sounded like a right ass but they figured it out.

That was about when he started the blog- mostly it was to express how he felt about things and how his opinions on things took a massive shift since dating someone who was absolutely never going to have sex with him. Bucky also happened to be uncomfortable with any sort of open relationship type or arrangement too, but Tony suspected that was for personal reasons. He would have preferred that kind of arrangement- he _did_ enjoy his sex life, but he loved Bucky more so he was fine with his current arrangement. It worked well for them both.

Bucky had no idea that he wrote the blog and for the most part Tony intended to keep it that way. It was kind of nice to have a space of his own that wasn’t influenced by friends, family, or Bucky and giving advice to people was surprisingly rewarding. Having a space to express his feelings without someone shoving their unwanted opinion in his face was pretty nice, honestly.

_Post: Wed. 9:17 p.m_

_Anon: How did you decide an asexual relationship was for you?_

_HowToDateYourAce:_

_Weird question? I get where you’re coming from, anon, but how does anyone decide a relationship dynamic is for them? Trial and error mostly, just like any other relationship. In asking the question you make the assumption that a relationship without sex is vastly different from any other relationship and that I must have gone through some long and strenuous thought process to figure out that I was sure that I wanted this. To apply this logic to similar situation it’s like asking a gay person when they figured out they were gay. The fuck if they know, that’s just how things worked out for them. Some people do have a story, some people don’t, but like pretty much anything in life I figured out this kind of relationship was for me by screaming into the void and finding someone who screamed back. It freaked me out for sure, usually the void doesn’t scream back at you but it worked out in the end._

_If you’re asking for more personal reasons, evaluate why you’re even asking the question. As I mentioned before, the question assumes that my sexless relationship is somehow odd or very different from the average relationship. It isn’t, it’s literally a romantic relationship without sex. There was no giant thought process for me to figure out if I was sure this is what I wanted- the thought process came later when I started asking myself questions like yours. What helped me was changing the question. Was I really going to pass up a relationship with someone who is by all means perfect for me minus the mix-matched sex drive just to get my dick wet? The answer was no, and hey, yours might be different for whatever reason and that’s fine! But for me in particular I found a relationship that fulfilled me in ways I didn’t even know I needed and yeah, going sexless sucks sometimes but ultimately it was something I was more than willing to leave behind for my partner._

_It’s also important to note that going sexless isn’t necessarily the only way to have a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in sex. Try discussing polyamory or open an open relationship structure- monogamy isn’t the only way to date and if you’re flexible to solutions you can work something out that best fits your life, wants, needs, and desires._

*

Bucky doesn’t mean to intrude, but the colors catch his eye just like they always did when he saw them. The blog was decorated in ace pride colors and given that it was Tony’s computer that was kind of weird. So he goes over and looks at the title of the blog: How To Date Your Asexual. He frowns and walks away but he makes a note to remember the blog title because god knew what Tony found and in Bucky’s experience people weren’t too open to ace people. Not that he thought that Tony would be anything like Brock but still… it didn’t hurt to be vigilant.

When he tells Steve about it later he gives Bucky a worried look, “god even knows what’s on that,” he says, making a face and expressing Bucky’s worries exactly. Sure so far Tony has been more than a little accepting thus far but for how long? He couldn’t help but feel that there was an expiration date on their relationship even if he didn’t want to believe it. “Maybe you should take a look at it, I mean with his history…” Steve says, shrugging as if Tony was doomed to always be a slave to his sex drive and that was exactly what Bucky was afraid of. Because if that was true it didn’t matter how fulfilling Bucky was in every other area of their relationship, he’d never be good enough.

Funny thing was sex never used to be a problem for him, hell; it was even enjoyable and then Brock. He ruined pretty much everything, including Bucky’s general sense of self and self-esteem. Then came the disastrous string of relationships that came afterwards that taught him his newfound aversion to all things sex meant he was never going to live up to anyone’s idea of a proper romantic partner and, well, Tony was now dealing with the fallout pretty gracefully. But there had to be a limit to his kindness, some point where he was going to realize that yeah, the sexless thing wasn’t for him. Bucky knew better than most that sex was treated like water down to referring to a temporary bought of going without sex as a ‘dry spell’. Last Bucky checked no one has ever died without sex like they would without water but shit did people act like they would.

Why they didn’t just buy a goddamn sex toy and shut up he had no clue. That’s what Tony did and he seemed fine, unless he was secretly harboring a large resentment towards Bucky for keeping him from his normal sex habits. Which was totally possible. Or probable, not that he wanted to think about that.

“Yeah, I guess…” he says slowly in response to Steve.

“Or definitely, I mean it’s Tony,” Steve says as if this was a totally obvious fact. Because obviously Tony was a problem, even if thus far he hasn’t proven to be one. Sometimes Bucky wondered if half of his distrust in Tony was because everyone else talked about the possibility of Tony leaving Bucky for a good fuck was something that was inevitable. But then he’d catch Tony watching someone’s ass and remember that right, that was kind of the truth but he was going to damn well enjoy it while it lasted.

So when Bucky goes home he checks out the blog, bursting into laughter at the first post he finds.

_Post: Sat. 2.55 a.m_

_Anon: you just want us all to stop having se8x! F7ucking ace ppl, just get over it and fuck._

_HowToDateYourAce:_

_Oh no! A world with no sex! The horror! We’re reaching some peak population levels in a lot of areas so a lack of non-reproductive sex is probably a good thing, jackhole. And besides that, in case you’ve missed it (hint: you have), I advise open relationships and polyamory as much as I do respecting your partner’s boundaries. As if saying respecting an ace person’s boundaries is a plot to make the world sexless, Jesus Christ. What kind of mental backflips did you have to do to get to that conclusion?_

_Read the FAQ on this page and learn a thing or two- like not all ace people are sex repulsed. Also there is such thing as masturbation to deal with your sex drive, so I highly advise you go fuck yourself._

It doesn’t take long to recognize the sharp, witty humor and that makes Bucky raise an eyebrow because since when did Tony run blogs? As much as he loved all things tech he didn’t seem fond of this particular kind of social media platform. Out of curiosity more than anything he reads more, eyebrows climbing as it became abundantly clear that Tony was way more open and educated on ace issues than he led people to believe. Huh.

*

Tony watches as Bucky snickers at his phone, laughing at some ace blog he found a few days ago. Apparently the author was very sassy and Bucky appreciated some good sass, he’d know because about seventy percent of their relationship was snark. He doesn’t mind that Bucky isn’t paying much attention to him because he had some designs he needed to send off to R&D and some other stuff to do for Pepper, plus he had to catch up on some blog posts.

_Post: Thurs. 7:28 p.m_

_Anon: okay but sex is human nature so obviously there’s something wrong with your partner. Maybe have him go the dr? (I think you’ve used male pronouns? Sorry if I got that wrong!)_

_HowToDateYourAce:_

_I love that you’re concerned about my partner’s gender (he is in fact a dude) while also insulting his identity. I dig it. Anyways, you’re what’s been dubbed a ‘concern troll’ but I understand where you’re coming from. Yeah, sometimes a dropped sex drive can be an indication of a medical problem but here’s the thing. That isn’t what makes an asexual asexual- asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction to anyone, or very little in the case of grey ace, or in need of a deep emotional connection first in the case of a demisexual. Have an explanatory[link](http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/) or [two](http://www.asexualityarchive.com/things-that-are-not-asexuality/)! So in short there is nothing wrong with my partner given his lack of sex drive- and not every asexual lacks a sex drive either. Have another [link](http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/asexualif) on asexuals and libidos. Just because someone has a decreased or non-existent sex drive doesn’t mean they have a medical issue. And even if they do that doesn't mean that they can't also be ace._

_Now to problem two to your statement- while I think we can all agree that sex is a natural thing I’d say it’s contentious to claim that it’s human nature. Why say that when most people aren’t ace, you ask? Good question. What is sex? No seriously, ask around, what is sex? See, before I figured out that maybe I wasn’t straight sex was penis-in-vagina. Hell, some people are so ingrained into this that they don’t actually think anal sex counts as sex[fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus style](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfRtkCGE40A). I’d bet good money if you asked a gay man who’s done anal if he thinks he’s a virgin he’d look at you like you grew a second head. And what about oral and other non- penetrative forms of sex? I mean are all lesbians virgins unless they’ve fucked a dude at some point (trans ladies don’t count- they’re women dick or no)? They would say hell no too. And if you include dildos as penetration does that mean people who used dildos for masturbation cease being virgins because they’ve been penetrated? Most would say no. _

_Then there are kinks to consider too- sometimes sex looks way different in the kink community than the vanilla community. If you aren’t a masochist I doubt you’d say being whipped is necessary for you to get off. So sex is natural yeah, but saying sex is human nature simplifies things too much and when you get down to it people don’t even agree on what sex_ is _so it seems a bit silly to assume sex is human nature. How you relate to sex individually, though, that’s human nature. Specifically your human nature and if you’re not hurting anyone (unless it’s consensual!) with it than there’s no problem with how you do, don’t, or sometimes enjoy sex._

Bucky looks up from his phone and grins at Tony, “I’m kind of craving pizza, want some? I can make that one that you really like,” he says.

Tony smiles, “yeah, sure,” he says. It was weird, things with Bucky, because he’s been taught that sex is intimacy and yeah, it definitely was but they way people talked about it made sex the _only_ form of romantic intimacy. It screwed him up pretty good too, because until Bucky his entire relationship experience was _all_ sex and it was never an intimate act. Then he met Bucky and he had an outright aversion to sex and Tony hadn’t known how to handle that at first. It took time and communication but he eventually figured out what he was really looking for when he wanted sex, aside from the sex bit, and Bucky delivered.

There was a whole bunch of stuff that they did now that he never would have viewed as intimate before- like Bucky cooking for him and memorizing his favorite meals. No one has really done that for him before and he didn’t even realize how pleasant that could be until one day Bucky came home with this chocolate he said he really liked some weeks after he mentioned it. As a general rule people didn’t really listen to Tony- the curse of having the media take everything you say out of context and twist it so people heard all the wrong things. The unfortunate side effect was that Tony also typically ignored what people were saying but with Bucky that changed because he learned the power of listening and being heard.

*

Bucky bites his lip when he finds the post but morbid curiosity to prove himself right draws him further into Tony’s words.

_Post: Mon. 4:15 a.m_

_StarFucker69: I get paying attention to boundaries and stuff, but my feelings are valid too and I don’t really want to give up my sex life. I mean I love my partner but I also don’t know how to tell them I don’t really want to give up sex, is there some way to compromise?_

_HowToDateYourAce:_

_Starfucker69 (love the blog name FYI, I laughed out loud when I read it), you’re right! Of course your feelings are important and you’re perfectly entitled to want a sex life. I’ve mentioned this before but open relationships and polyamory are totally viable solutions to this without putting unfair expectations on people regarding sex. Not everyone is comfortable with it, but it can be useful. Have a l[ink](https://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html) on polyamory dating tips for reference. _

_But- the big word that usually populates my posts- compromise can be tricky in the way you’ve presented it. I doubt you mean it this way, but when people talk compromise with ace people who are sex repulsed in relationships what they really mean is fuck the ace person’s feelings, they should just get over it and deal with the sex thing at least a little because the other person has a sex drive. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting sex and a sex life, no one is ever under the obligation to provide a person with sex or sex acts. No one owes you sex for any reason, even if you're in a relationship with them. Your sex drive is no one's problem to deal with but your own unless someone has expressly consented to wanting to help you out with said sex drive (where is the sex even driving? Anyway)._

_Usually when I hear this argument it’s at some point tagged along with ‘well how come I have to compromise sex and they don’t have to compromise anything!’ I can assure you if that’s what you think of your partner they’ve sacrificed a lot, like their self-esteem every time you say something like that to them. My partner in particular gets a lot of flack from his friends (I really do want to punch the one in particular) because I have a high libido, and obviously this means that I’ll cheat on him at some point. I can see him die a little inside every time someone says something like that- don’t assume that because you’re giving up something that you enjoy that your partner isn’t making any sort of sacrifice. Being different in this world always comes at a high cost. In a sex obsessed society if you’re sex repulsed you’re seen as a freak and everyone is happy to point that out in no uncertain terms._

_And I get it, ‘but most people love sex’! First, not true. For some people is takes a long time to find out what kind of sex works for them (if any), which means a lot of people hare having some really bad sex right now and that’s fine. It takes time to figure things out and I think we should all stop shying away from the idea that sex can’t be bad- anyone who has had sex has had at least one bad lay, be real. My worst experience involved a circus tent, ketchup, and three ostriches (not involved in the sex obviously, they came later. I don’t want to get into it)._

_You’re right in as much as compromise being key- as noted before I have a pretty high sex drive and man it sucks going without sex sometimes. But I deal because there are other ways to get the kind of intimacy and release I want without sex. It might not work long term for you- so you can always bring up the open relationship/ polyamory thing later- but I have some tips that might put you on stable ground before you accidentally offend your partner (mine, for example, might automatically assume he isn’t good enough due to our lack of a sex life. He might feel threatened if I brought up an open relationship, even if all I want is a good lay with no strings attached. He’s the strings I want. Anyways). Here is a[list](http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/114559247241/list-of-non-sexual-forms-of-intimacy) of some nonsexual intimate activities and I highly advise anyone to practice these things in any relationship. Nothing says close like being able to have a heart to heart at three a.m with no fear of judgment. Sex won’t get you that, but it is a pretty sweet bonus if your partner is into that._

_Ask yourself what you even want out of sex too- I can guarantee you’ll surprise yourself. When I looked into this question myself I found that a lot of what I wanted wasn’t even sex (ie. Love, companionship, touch, intimacy). The things I wanted were found in sexual activity, but they were other forms of intimacy layered into a specific kind of intimacy. So ask yourself what you want and see how much of what you want can be gathered in other ways, that will help a lot, trust me. I didn’t think I could live without sex (not that I’d ever tell my partner that) but lo and behold I’m doing just fine because I found what I was really looking for elsewhere. This doesn’t mean that sex can be completely replaceable to you, but it might help you find some middle ground until you work out the sex thing._

_Or, and this is a contentious solution that definitely isn’t for everyone (like polyamory and open relationships), but BDSM is a great place to go. BDSM tends to get a super sexualized reputation but a[lot of play isn’t sexual](https://beyondtherainbowblog.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/non-sexual-bdsm/) at all. My partner brought this up once and honestly I wasn’t sure about it- he’s used to playing Dom and I am as far from as submissive as you get, but I tested it out for shits and gigs. Boy did it do wonders- it isn’t sex and the sensations aren’t the same, but if you really want intimacy and trust that’s a good place to go if everyone is comfortable with that. And don’t be afraid to try things you might not have thought you were into- I didn’t think I’d make a good sub at all because it really isn’t in my nature to be submissive but the experience was awesome. Kind of wish my partner would bring this up again, but we’ve both been pretty busy anyways. I’ll bring it up myself at some point._

Bucky feels a twisting feeling in his gut as soon as he finishes because this was all Tony talking to some random stranger with no knowledge that he’d ever read it. There was no reason to lie in the blog post, no reason to sugar coat his real feelings, no reason to pretend like things were working with Bucky when they weren’t. He looks back down at Tony’s words and draws his knees up to his chest because he really needed to talk to Tony and he wasn’t looking forward to it. How could he possibly tell Tony that whoops, we’ve been together for two years and I don’t trust you but then I read this blog post you wrote and realized I was wrong?

God, he’s been an ass and Tony wasn’t going to be happy with this.

*

Tony snorts when he reads the question, hovering over the reply button before he figures why not, might as well give his readers something to laugh at.

_Post: Fri. 12:15 p.m_

_FamilyUnfriendly: you’ve mentioned your high sex drive a few times and if you’re anything like me (I hope you are) you probably have some funny ‘I’d fuck that’ stories. Care to share?_

_HowToDateYourAce:_

_I debated on whether or not I wanted to share but what the hell, this is a funny one so strap in kids. Sometimes my libido fucks off and does whatever, I don’t care what it’s doing, but sometimes it comes back with a vengeance and the last time this happened was last week. So my partner is cooking dinner, no big deal, but I’m sitting across the room right ready to stick my dick in just about anything. I don’t say this because hello, he’s cooking dinner, he has better things to focus on and the roast he was cooking looked really good. And then I spot it._

_The_ blender _._

_You don’t even know how tempted I was but I thought to myself ‘think this through man, do you really want to fuck that blender’. The answer was hell yes because apparently I have no brain cells left when horny but no worries, my more rational side made me think out the consequences of fucking the blender. So I think it out, what happens to me if I fuck the blender? I’ll spare you the embarrassingly long thought process I went through, point is my dick goes bye-bye if I stick it in that blender but is that the reason I don’t fuck it? Nope._

_This blender remained unfucked because in my thought process of embarrassing things that will certainly stem from this blender fucking I decided that I’d have to explain what I’ve done to a nurse, who would then have to treat me with a straight face. And then she’d call my partner and I’d have to tell him what happened and he’d look at me like I’ve dropped off the deep end and to be fair he’d be right, but then he’d tell his friends, and they’d tell their friends and now I’d be the town disappointment. I’d go home and I’d be that guy who fucked a blender and you can’t come back from that._

_TL;DR: I didn’t fuck a blender because I didn’t want to end up the town disappointment that inspired an Onion article._

Bucky walks in as he finishes writing the blog post looking a little… off so Tony closes the lid of his laptop and sets it aside. “Something wrong? Because you look like shit,” he says. Yet another thing he loved about Bucky- he was totally fine with Tony’s blunt honesty in a way people rarely were. Most people thought he was rude and yeah, sometimes that was true, but mostly he just wanted to say what was on his mind; he didn’t intend to be an ass about it.

“I um… I found your blog and I was really surprised because I sort of assumed that you were maybe cheating on me or that you were going to but you’re actually accepting and I feel like an ass and-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, _what_?” Tony asks, cutting Bucky off.

“I found your blog and-”

“No, after that,” Tony says, struggling to keep his temper under control. Bucky wasn’t a fan of confrontation and he definitely wasn’t fond of yelling so Tony keeps his calm even though he’d really, _really_ like to yell at Bucky. It was probably for the best in the long term anyways.

Bucky looks down, properly ashamed of his thought process in Tony’s opinion. “I thought that maybe you were cheating on me, or that you were going to,” he mumbles in a small voice.

“And what evidence do you have for this?” Tony asks, folding his hands behind his back to hide the shaking. Sometimes Obi’s annoying business tips were useful, like when he wanted to not freak Bucky out with his fury because they needed to have an actual conversation.

“None,” Bucky whispers.

“Then _why_ think that? Seriously, what the hell? That’s so hurtful, not to mention flat out offensive. What kind of person do you think I am?” Sure, he wasn’t about to be canonized as a saint any time soon but he wasn’t a freaking monster, he’d _never_ cheat Bucky. Or anyone else honestly.

“I think you’re a great person,” Bucky says, offended by the suggestion that he thought otherwise.

“Well obviously not if you seriously thought I would cheat on you. Think on that for a minute, _seriously_ think, why would you think that? I want to know because clearly I’m not doing something right,” he says. He thought he was handling this stuff pretty well but obviously he wasn’t if this is what Bucky really thought of him.

Bucky seems to think Tony’s words over at least, staying quiet for a long few moments before he speaks. “Other people mostly, I think anyways. One time I made the mistake of Googling ‘Tony Stark’s sex drive’ and I got over a million hits and like five sex tapes. _Over a million hits_. I should have not done that. But everyone else too, like our friends, they treat you cheating on me like it’s an inevitability or a miracle that it hasn’t happened yet. It’s all ‘well I mean he’s _Tony Stark_ so’ and sometimes its really hard not to believe that, especially when it’s happened before. Sorry I didn’t tell you about this sooner,” he says softly, looking at the ground again.

Tony sighs because he’s long suspected that Bucky has been abused in his past in some way and this was at least a partial confirmation. “There are only three sex tapes, two were removed from various sites because I was underage. Apparently blatantly violating my privacy became perfectly fine when I turned eighteen considering I never consented to any of those being leaked but whatever. But I’m not cheating on you Bucky, and I never would. I won’t lie, yeah, sometimes it the no sex thing sucks but it sucks a whole lot less than losing you. And we need to have a conversation with our friends because I am _not_ pleased with this revelation. What the hell do _my_ friends think of me if they treat me like some sort of uncontrollable sex beast who is willing to break someone’s heart just to fuck some rando? I already know what your friends think,” he mumbles.

“What’s that supposed to mean? About knowing what my friends think?” Bucky asks.

“Oh come on, as if you haven’t noticed that Steve basically treats me like some temporary stop on your relationship trail that you’re keeping around until you find something better. The guy hates me and for the life of me I can’t figure out why,” Tony says. They hadn’t exactly gotten off on the right foot and if he hated Tony he was fine with that, but he didn’t think there was a reason to hate his relationship with Bucky.

“That… I know he doesn’t have a lot of faith in you as a relationship partner but I didn’t know that you felt that way. That’s terrible,” Bucky says, stepping forward a little to brush him fingers along Tony’s arm. He removes them from behind his back and presses into Bucky, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“And this, kids, is why communication is important. And just because I have a libido doesn’t mean I’m a slave to it, shit. I _can_ control my urges you know, and they aren’t even the only urges I get. Sometimes when I’m flying for business I think to myself ‘jump out of this plane with no parachute, it’ll be fun’ but then my rational side is like ‘the fuck, no, do not do that!’” he says. Of when he’s at a bar and he thinks to himself that he’s gunna drink the whole thing but that was more related to the alcohol issues he had previously in his early twenties.

*

Bucky slips his morning coffee while reading Tony’s blog, snorting at what he finds there.

_Post: Sun. 12:01 a.m_

_Anon: okay so this is really weird and I’m just going to get to the point. I know you’ve talked about other sex options but like… what if that’s not an option? Any advice?_

_HowToDateYourAce:_

_Why anon, are you asking my how I jerk off? Randy buggar._

_Alright so here’s the thing- when you’re with another person sex is more complicated- there’s a whole other human there and you have to figure out how to get them off. Sometimes that’s all the fun in things, and with yourself, ehh. Sometimes it can fall flat, I’m sure we can all agree, because we know how we work already. But if that’s your only option you best start getting friendly with your down stairs neighbor because you two are going to be best friends._

_Want to spice up your sex life with yourself? Start treating your junk like a lover. I’m dead serious, do it and it will change your world. How the hell do you do this? First off don’t assume that masturbation is boring and monotonous, masturbation can be as spontaneous and lively as any sex life even if it takes more work and creativity due to that pesky knowing-how-you-work-already thing. If you’re anything like me (which you probably aren’t, no offense) than you like a challenge and you like to switch things up every once and awhile and in a sexual relationship with yourself that can be a real pain._

_Here’s where treating your junk like a lover is key. Think to yourself (and your junk) about what you want to do, where you want to do it, toys, no toys, porn, no porn, whatever. Give yourself time frames to cum in, try some new porn you’ve never watched before and never would have considered before (warning, you will end up very confused on what the hell you just came to doing this, it has happened to me many a time), try new toys, lubes, whatever. Test out new places, positions, challenge yourself to come up with something new. Seriously, once you start treating your junk like you would a lover you will have a far more lively relationship with masturbation, even if it’s a bit more challenging without a second person contributing ideas._

_There’s no limit to the creativity too, I got bored the other day and jerked it to the beat of Back in Black by AC/DC because I thought it’d be fun and new. I have a whole playlist dedicated to me time now because it was a good idea that I thought up on a whim. And if you haven’t tried certain sex acts that you can pull off by yourself than do it. We all know what I mean here, butt stuff. I get it- butts are gross but really, the entire human body is nasty, just get on board with it. It might not be for you but hey; you’ll have tried it to know._

“What are you laughing at?” Tony asks as he trudges into the kitchen, eyeing the coffee machine like it had been hand delivered by Jesus.

“Your masturbation habits,” he says, getting another good laugh when Tony whips around, eyes wide. “Your blog,” Bucky explains and Tony looks less confused.

“Stop reading about my dick, it’s weird,” Tony mumbles, grabbing the coffee pot.

"We’ve been in a relationship for two years, Tones, this probably be normal to us by now,” he points out. Or t would be if he was a normal person and they were a normal couple.

“Yeah, if we ever talked about this sort of thing but we don’t because it usually wigs you out. Did you read that post I did on how being sex repulsed doesn’t make you immature? I’m not sure I got the phrasing right,” Tony says. Because now he consulted Bucky on these things before he posted, which was nice because Bucky hadn’t really meant to get involved in Tony’s thing but he insisted that it was a good plan. So far so good, and they even did an entire post on how to talk to your friends about not being assholes and how the perceptions of others could cause relationship problems. And then there was the complimentary post on communication, and they were currently working on a post about nonsexual BDSM seems how Tony had been into that.

Bucky hadn’t been sure and he sort of passed out right after and never mentioned it again so Bucky left it be, figuring Tony tried and didn’t care for it, that was all he could ask. As it turned out it was a hit and Tony had passed out in a good way, waking up more refreshed than he had in years. They really needed to work on the talking to each other thing.

“I did read that post. My favorite quote was ‘objectively sex is disgusting, sweat, bodily fluids, and all sorts of other stuff gets everywhere. Why anyone thinks that very true statement is a sign of immaturity is beyond me. No to mention having sex by no means makes you even remotely mature’. It’s true, sex is nasty, but so are chicken wings. Just because it’s gross doesn’t mean you can’t like it. Also I had no idea you lost your virginity at fourteen,” he says. Seemed a little young to him, well, a _lot_ of young but that was Tony’s business he guessed.

“Yeah, in hindsight that was not a good decision but whatever. What’s done is done. To be fair that definitely wasn’t the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had even if it was definitely the most irresponsible,” Tony says, wrinkling his nose as he brings his coffee cup to his lips.

“Would that be the mysterious sexual interaction that at some point included ostriches in the near vicinity that people keep asking about? Because have to admit that I’m a little curious about that too.” First off, _ostriches?_ How? And why? But this was Tony; he blew up the rice cooker last week trying to make pancakes. Bucky has stopped being surprised when something weird came up in regards to his boyfriend.

“You know what Buck, there are just some things that no one should ever know about a person and you don’t need to know about this. The ostriches weren’t even the worst part, that goes to the ketchup,” Tony says, shaking his head as he ducks back into his coffee mug looking haunted.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


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